Precious Cargo (2016)
After a botched heist, Eddie, a murderous crime boss, hunts down the seductive thief Karen who failed him. In order to win back Eddie’s trust, Karen recruits her ex-lover and premier thief Jack to steal a cargo of rare precious gems. But when the job goes down, allegiances are betrayed and lines are crossed as Jack, Karen, and Eddie face off in a fateful showdown.
Genre : Action
Country : Canada
RMark-Paul Gosselaar : Jack
Bruce Willis : Eddie
Claire Forlani : Karen
Director : Max Adams
“The fact that you borrow my dog in order to trick your veterinarian girlfriend
to thinking you’re an animal lover is pathetic.
I am an animal lover, I’m just not an animal owner.”
It’s official. This was the last movie with Bruce Willis I wasted my time on. Whenever I expect a come-back from my eternal hero, I’m always disappointed afterwards and realize that apparently the check size was more important than the content of the film or an enthusiastic commitment. And probably the salary wasn’t high enough after seeing the intensity of that commitment and enthusiasm. A head of lettuce in my father’s garden shows more drama and empathy than Mr. Willis in this pseudo-action crime story. Look at his expression when Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) blows up a car in front of his hotel. Painful. A horrible moment for a Willis fan like me. I would rather throw the lettuce from my father’s garden towards the screen.
Eventually Willis wasn’t such a bad choice after all, since the rest of the movie is as bad. When will directors finally realize that a crime movie gets the labeled “immortal” pinned on because it contains an unprecedented and fascinating story in which passionate and charismatic actors appear. And it’s not the amount of ammunition that’s used throughout the film that’ll make you earn that label. The gunfights in “Precious Cargo” are so irritating bad and ridiculously exaggerated. I think they’ve used as much ammunition as during the landing at Normandy. Statistically speaking it isn’t such a bad idea. They are all such bad shooters that they might have a chance to hit something after shooting so intensively. One stray bullet is sufficient. Even Stevie Wonder would be a better shooter. And every time I’m wondering what material most objects are made of, because they can withstand a huge amount of bullets every time.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar wasn’t so bad. Although I didn’t understand where he got the title “Michelangelo of Thieves” from, because he wasn’t particularly intelligent. When you’re so stupid to fall for a ridiculous lie of an ex-girlfriend and blindly consider an alleged pregnancy as true, you’re certainly not blessed with a well functioning brain. Luckily I didn’t recognize him immediately as the more mature version of Zack from “Saved by the bell“, otherwise I would have given up much earlier, because this was one of the most annoying televisionseries from the 80′. Claire Forlani is an elegant appearance and tried her best to act believable as the pregnant ex (who could cope with hectic situations despite her condition). Needless to say she began to irritate me after a while as well.
Compared with this, “American Heist” was highly enjoyable. Expect a series of clichés. Like the macho-style and tough language used whenever possible. This leads to embarrassing moments like the one where Christoph Rob Rowen puts some silicone-filled blonde bimbo’s in their place. The gang members keep appearing from every corner throughout the whole movie while their arsenal of weapons increases visibly. There’s the semi-romantic entanglement between Jack and his ex on the one hand and on the other hand one with his new girlfriend, veterinarian Jenna (Lydia Hull) who imagined a romantic dinner quite different. In the end apparantly she finds Jack’s lifestyle just normal.
Is there really nothing positive to say about this film? Yes, there’s still one bright spot in it. And that’s Logan, played by Jenna B. Kelly. She’s not only a dazzling beauty but also she expresses herself in an amusing way. Definitely she’s someone to handle with kid gloves. But at the same time I’m sure she’ll probably becomes extremely enjoyable as she starts to purr. If I was Jack, I would consider her to become my girlfriend, instead of the other two nitwits. Afterwards I noticed how many participating actors were also present in “Extraction“. If I knew this in advance, I wouldn’t even bother to watch this monstrosity in the first place.